hey guys.. sorry i havent been around.. alot of crazy things have happened to me lately.. here is a letter i sent to a former teacher of mine.. he wanted to know what was wrong with me...
hey man.. whats up..
sorry i didnt go to class...
i had to study for a history exam and i couldnt find my cell phone to give you a call...
but listen .. here is that failed right of passage story or maybe its just a sad sad story..

ok here it goes.. i met my ex girlfriend like on the new years eve 99-2000...
right off the bat she was my friend... we knew where we both came from . our fears .. shit we went through when younger ..and she understood me and i understood her... after that it was puppy love from there..
her family and my family pretty much hate each other.. like the whole romio and juliet scenario...
well after that we started calling each other and what not..
i had promised myself i wasn't gonna fall in love with this chick cus at the time i thought the whole family problems were too monumental to overcome ..
but anyways.. ever since we had been on and off again as a couple ... she (i think) realized as well that the family problems would always be too great to overcome..
but she kept coming back to me.. i couldnt explain it.. but all that bullshit you taught us in class kinda came back to haunt me , filling my head with ideas .. i didnt really care.. about alot of things at the time..
my family didnt matter.. school didnt matter.. and unfortunately she didnt either.. i was lost..
but i slowly came back...
i realized that no matter what i could always just come to her .. and every worry or any stupid little thing that happened to me that day would just go away..
She took a security job .. while she was still at school..
the long hours i think really took a toll... i think its that whole deprovation/isolation thing..
so i think the stuff you taught us.. she went through as her job would risk her life.. her belongings..
but i didnt stop her or tell her because you see she had bought a car thinking it would help if we saw each other .. cus neither of us really had one....i feel somewhat guilty for that..
she told me she loved me ... i was barely getting back to my senses and didnt realize i had my precious key to my future in front of me..

anyways..
like on sept 11. ironically ill remember that day for the following reason.. she told me she was breaking up with me..
she had done it before so i didnt think it was the last time..
so i let her go..
three weeks later she tells me she is gonna move in and marry some guy..
im thinking what tha fuck is up with you..
she thinks she is serious ..
but the really only question for some reason that i am interested in is..

"Do you love him"???
she couldnt answer .. and thats when i felt sorry ..
the guy ends up being her supervisor at work...
he had previously had a girlfriend who was 15 yrs old.. he is like 27 .. or some shit..
now im scared..she is like 18

and after in the next couple of weeks.. i managed to change her mind.. i made her realize she is doing something for the wrong reasons.. or at least i thought..
later i even had her go and talk to my parents.. 1st time in my house.. i felt so overwhelmed.. so happy.
she tells me next week that she is 3 weeks pregnant..
that definetly broke my heart..
but i also felt so sad for her..

and just like last week she tells me she had a miscarriage..
now im feeling even more weird.. my mind wanders.. thinking some of the craziest shit..
like would and couldi even take her back..

more recently ive been trying to get in contact with her..she still is a friend and i dont abandon mine..
i wish she could see what i see..
she has been so special to me.. in each and every god damn way..
it sucks to lose her as a girlfriend and the way it went down..
but its also like being stabbed in your heart by your best friend. who doest know what she does....

and umm.. when i went to high school .. my world was changed.. i didnt know any of the people there.. and i kept a mentality of hey .. all these people are fake inside.. not my true friends.. just either social friends(people you just hang out with) and not friends you confide and rely on..
its crazy now because im trying desperately to fill in this void of emptiness ..
i have found my old friends... some of them..
im sorta becoming what i once was..
then again i still miss her..
i dont think ill ever forget her..
i wish i could her make her see.. but its her life..
and i still love her.. the future is so vague. so weird.