i said fuck it and decided to email her.. i keep waking up every morning still tormented about shit.. so i emailed her this..
hey ..
im emailing you this because you wanted to know how im doing.,..
well some things are going good...i have alot of priorities straight in my life..i promised myself i was going to be around my family more often t.. i also am going to dedicate more time to school...i found out where my friends old and new and their places in my life..
hey i have been helping melinda .,... charlie's ex... deal with her shit.. ive have been basically telling her that its really tough...life is some shit sometimes.. and no matter what you have to be the bigger person and sometimes it helps not to give into your emotions.. see... charlie is going through what you were going.. doesnt know what he wanted.. confused about life and the world.. wondering if theres someone or something better than melinda... that really hurts.. its pretty fucked up..ive have given her one piece of advice.. "Hey melinda.... if you truly love something.. you are gonna have to let it go .. and if it comes back to you.. then theres another chance but if it doesnt.... maybe not..."
thats like how i think of love now babe.. it really hurts... god.. all we do sometimes is talk about how much we miss our ex's..
dont get me wrong .. me and her haven't hooked up or anything like that.. i feel like some sorta best friend of the world.. i feel anyone could come to me about their problems.. i think its weird because for so long it was always about me me me..not anymore..
on friday nights we (my sisters .. liz.. melinda... ) hang out at my house.. and we start watching the sopranos.. i rent the series from work...its a pretty good series.. my novela if you will....
i also did tell melinda one thing.. i told her it is gonna take a long time for you to recover.. i mean damn look at me .. im still here thinking about my ex and having nightmares... and still tripping on how that love was lost or misplaced .. where i knew in my heart that it had a chance to be something great... who knows anymore right????seriously ... ana.... i dont know if i should tell you this but...you have been in a few of my nightmares..
i dreampt that i was kissing some chick .. but when i look up i see you.. and your walking away... and as soon as that happened i wake up ... and i was crying..
WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!.. sometimes i think im over shit.. and then at times .. i feel this pain inside .. like the world is laughing at me while im down like ill see a movie or a hear a song.. or see a couple... it hurts inside..and sometimes there is no one to talk to ... wishing i had a best friend.. and then again i start thinking about you.. rather the ana i knew .. and i miss her so much.. its like she died and you are here and i cant relate to you anymore.. i dont want any more nightmares..
i have thought about suicide so many times.. but i know i would only hurt people and thats not the way shit goes.. here is the reality ... i dont know what happened between us.. i will never know.. it hurts inside still alot.. time really hasnt done anything... i know can never go back to you... that pain would be harder to deal with.. i dont know what love is anymore...i see girls now and i know i dont have that special thing that i had with you... its like looking for lost love or something and im wanting to replace that as quickly as possible..and i hold myself back because i know its not true.. and all of this is fucked up because i have this fucked up ass reality check now...
its a song ... by metallica.. called "SAD BUT TRUE".. and thats life..
you know i miss all the little things.. i remember when i used to fight you for your shoes to take them off and how much i missed giving you a foot massage..and how much you would stuggle not to let me and then when i actually got to doing it .. you were all calm..i miss watching you sleep while we were at the park or something cus you were tired from the night before..i miss the phone calls at night were i finally knew that you were ok..i miss hearing you cry.. i miss how you could talk to me from the heart..
there are a few movies i have seen that will explain to you why i didnt do certain things... and how i feel .. i told you about "Unfaithful".. that sorta just came out.. and then there is another i saw like yesterday.. its called "Down to you".. these movies hurt .. one was fantasy and its everything we wish for .. the other.. its a reality check..i cant tell you everything about my life because maybe you dont deserve that...like if your not part of my life..anymore..
i hate that we have to have these artificial conversations now.. "Hey how are you doing" "What have you been up to" those questions dont get real answers .. i hate things now because when you call me .. you have to do shit.. no more time for an old friend anymore .. not dedicating time hurts.. and then i start blaming myself on how this is switched around.. and now instead of me not having time for your phone calls anymore.. you dont have time for mine.. thats funny.. hey i find myself asking questions like .. does ana even care anymore.. well i cant expect that from her anymore anyways..
i think ive have been cursed with this fucked up case of al bundy luck...
i miss making you laugh most of all .. babe if you could see me now.. im crying while im emailing this to you.. god i miss alot of shit.. i miss you most of all ..i dont know if ill ever have that .. i pray to god the pain goes away..
hey ..
im emailing you this because you wanted to know how im doing.,..
well some things are going good...i have alot of priorities straight in my life..i promised myself i was going to be around my family more often t.. i also am going to dedicate more time to school...i found out where my friends old and new and their places in my life..
hey i have been helping melinda .,... charlie's ex... deal with her shit.. ive have been basically telling her that its really tough...life is some shit sometimes.. and no matter what you have to be the bigger person and sometimes it helps not to give into your emotions.. see... charlie is going through what you were going.. doesnt know what he wanted.. confused about life and the world.. wondering if theres someone or something better than melinda... that really hurts.. its pretty fucked up..ive have given her one piece of advice.. "Hey melinda.... if you truly love something.. you are gonna have to let it go .. and if it comes back to you.. then theres another chance but if it doesnt.... maybe not..."
thats like how i think of love now babe.. it really hurts... god.. all we do sometimes is talk about how much we miss our ex's..
dont get me wrong .. me and her haven't hooked up or anything like that.. i feel like some sorta best friend of the world.. i feel anyone could come to me about their problems.. i think its weird because for so long it was always about me me me..not anymore..
on friday nights we (my sisters .. liz.. melinda... ) hang out at my house.. and we start watching the sopranos.. i rent the series from work...its a pretty good series.. my novela if you will....
i also did tell melinda one thing.. i told her it is gonna take a long time for you to recover.. i mean damn look at me .. im still here thinking about my ex and having nightmares... and still tripping on how that love was lost or misplaced .. where i knew in my heart that it had a chance to be something great... who knows anymore right????seriously ... ana.... i dont know if i should tell you this but...you have been in a few of my nightmares..
i dreampt that i was kissing some chick .. but when i look up i see you.. and your walking away... and as soon as that happened i wake up ... and i was crying..
WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!.. sometimes i think im over shit.. and then at times .. i feel this pain inside .. like the world is laughing at me while im down like ill see a movie or a hear a song.. or see a couple... it hurts inside..and sometimes there is no one to talk to ... wishing i had a best friend.. and then again i start thinking about you.. rather the ana i knew .. and i miss her so much.. its like she died and you are here and i cant relate to you anymore.. i dont want any more nightmares..
i have thought about suicide so many times.. but i know i would only hurt people and thats not the way shit goes.. here is the reality ... i dont know what happened between us.. i will never know.. it hurts inside still alot.. time really hasnt done anything... i know can never go back to you... that pain would be harder to deal with.. i dont know what love is anymore...i see girls now and i know i dont have that special thing that i had with you... its like looking for lost love or something and im wanting to replace that as quickly as possible..and i hold myself back because i know its not true.. and all of this is fucked up because i have this fucked up ass reality check now...
its a song ... by metallica.. called "SAD BUT TRUE".. and thats life..
you know i miss all the little things.. i remember when i used to fight you for your shoes to take them off and how much i missed giving you a foot massage..and how much you would stuggle not to let me and then when i actually got to doing it .. you were all calm..i miss watching you sleep while we were at the park or something cus you were tired from the night before..i miss the phone calls at night were i finally knew that you were ok..i miss hearing you cry.. i miss how you could talk to me from the heart..
there are a few movies i have seen that will explain to you why i didnt do certain things... and how i feel .. i told you about "Unfaithful".. that sorta just came out.. and then there is another i saw like yesterday.. its called "Down to you".. these movies hurt .. one was fantasy and its everything we wish for .. the other.. its a reality check..i cant tell you everything about my life because maybe you dont deserve that...like if your not part of my life..anymore..
i hate that we have to have these artificial conversations now.. "Hey how are you doing" "What have you been up to" those questions dont get real answers .. i hate things now because when you call me .. you have to do shit.. no more time for an old friend anymore .. not dedicating time hurts.. and then i start blaming myself on how this is switched around.. and now instead of me not having time for your phone calls anymore.. you dont have time for mine.. thats funny.. hey i find myself asking questions like .. does ana even care anymore.. well i cant expect that from her anymore anyways..
i think ive have been cursed with this fucked up case of al bundy luck...
i miss making you laugh most of all .. babe if you could see me now.. im crying while im emailing this to you.. god i miss alot of shit.. i miss you most of all ..i dont know if ill ever have that .. i pray to god the pain goes away..
